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The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.


'Thusan?'
'Yes Twyla?'
'I'm afwaid of the monster in the cellar, Thusan. It's going to eat me up.'
Susan shut her book firmly and raised a warning finger.
'What have I told you about trying to sound ingratiatingly cute, Twyla?' she said
The little girl said, 'You said I mustn't. You said that exaggerated lisping is a hanging offence and I only do it to get attention.'


'I was just skipping-'
'Quite. Real children don't go hoppity-skip unless they are on drugs.'


Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.


Dere Hogfather,
            For Hogswatch I would like a drum an a dolly an a teddybear an a Gharstley Omnian Inquisision Torchure Chamber with wind-up rack and nearly real blud you can use Agian, you can get it from the toyshoppe in Short Strete, it is $5.99p. I have been good an there is a glars of sherre an a pork pie for you and turnips for Gouger an Tusker an Rooter an Snot Snouter. I hop the chimney is big enough but my friend William say you are your father really.
Yrs. Viginia Prood


OH, GOOD. WELL, I SUPPOSE WE'D BETTER BE GOING. The figure picked up the reins.
UP, GOUGER! UP, ROOTER! UP, TUSKER!, UP SNOUTER! GIDDYUP!
The four large boars harnessed to the sledge did not move.
WHY DOESN'T THAT WORK?
'Beats me master,'
IT WORKS ON HORSES.
'You could try "Pig-hooey!"'
PIG-HOOEY! They waited. NO...DOESN'T SEEM TO REACH THEM.
There was some whispering.
REALLY? YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK?
'It'd bloody well work on me if I was a pig, master.'
VERY WELL, THEN. APPLE! SAUCE!
The pigs' legs blurred. Silver light flicked across them, and exploded outwards. They dwindled to a dot, and vanished.
Death gets the hang of the Hogfather business.


+++ out of cheese error +++ MELON MELON MELON +++ redo from start +++
'Thank you. A simple "I don't know" would have been sufficient,' said Ridcully.


'Corkscrew? It's a tickler, that's what Nanny says,' said the Bursar
+++ Why Do You Think You're A Tickler? +++
'I've got a spoon of my own, you know.'
+++ Tell Me About Your Spoon. +++
'Er...it's a little spoon...'
+++ Does Your Spoon Worry You? +++
The Bursar frowned. Then he seemed to rally. 'Whoops, here comes Mr Jelly,' he said, but he didn't sound as though his heart was in it.
+++ How Long Have You Been Mr Jelly? +++
The Bursar glared. 'Are you making fun of me?' he said.
'Amazin',' said Ridcully. 'It's got him stumped! 's better than dried frog pills! How did you work it out?'
'Er...' said Ponder. 'It sort of just happened...'
Hex stumps the Bursar.


NEXT!  AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME LITTLE... PERSON?
'Nobby Nobbs, Hogfather.'
AND HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BO... A GOOD DWA... A GOOD GNO... A GOOD INDIVIDUAL.
's'
SO I EXPECT YOU'LL WANT A PRESENT FOR BEING A GOOD MON... A GOOD HUM... A GOOD MALE.
's'
SOMETHING NICE?
's'
Nobby visits with the Hogfather.


THEY SAY YOU ARE A THINKER. EXTEND LOGICALLY THE RESULT OF THE HUMAN RACE CEASING TO BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER. WILL THE SUN COME UP? ANSWER.
Hex wrote: +++ The Sun Will Not Come Up +++
CORRECT. HOW MAY THIS BE PREVENTED? ANSWER.
+++ Regular And Constant Belief +++
GOOD I   HAVE A TASK FOR YOU, THINKING ENGINE.
+++ Yes I Am Preparing An Area Of Write-Only Memory +++
WHAT IS THAT?
+++ You Would Say: To Know It In Your Bones +++
GOOD. HERE IS YOUR INSTRUCTION. BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER.
+++ Yes +++
DO YOU BELIEVE? ANSWER.
+++ Yes +++
DO ... YOU ... BELIEVE? ANSWER.
+++ YES +++


FEAR, TOO, IS AN ANCHOR, said Death. ALL THOSE SENSES, WIDE OPEN TO EVERY FRAGMENT OF THE WORLD. THAT BEATING HEART. THAT RUSH OF BLOOD. CAN YOU NOT FEEL IT, DRAGGING YOU BACK?
Once again the Auditor managed to retain a shape for a few seconds, and managed to say: you cannot do this, there are rules!
YES. THERE ARE RULES. BUT YOU BROKE THEM. HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU?
The scythe blade was a thin blue line in the grey light.
Death raised a thin finger to where his lips might have been, and suddenly looked thoughtful.
AND NOW THERE REMAINS ONLY ONE FINAL QUESTION, he said.
He raised his hands, and seemed to glow. Light flared in his eye sockets. When he spoke next, avalanches fell in the mountains.
HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY . . . OR NICE?
HO. HO. HO.
Death's showdown with the Auditors.


She'd become a governess. It was one of the few jobs a known lady could do. And she'd taken to it well. She'd sworn that if she did indeed ever find herself dancing on rooftops with chimney sweeps she'd beat herself to death with her own umbrella.
You get the feeling Susan Sto Helit doesn't approve of Mary Poppins.


It's a sad and terrible thing that high-born folk really have thought that the servants would be totally fooled if spirits were put into decanters that were cunningly labelled backwards. And also throughout history the more politically conscious butler has taken it on trust, and with rather more justification, that his employers will not notice if the whisky is topped up with eniru.


Sometimes the things were in fact people who were far too unimportant to trouble the Assassins' Guild with, but who were nevertheless inconveniently positioned where they were and could much better be located on, for example, a sea bed somewhere. [....]
They had plenty of work. There was always something that needed transferring from A to B or, of course, to the bottom of the C.
Ankh-Morpork is crawling with small-time villains.


"I gather the Archchancellor won't have milk in the University," said Susan. "He says he knows where it comes from and that it's unhygienic. And that's a man who eats three eggs for breakfast every day, mark you."


"Don't worry," he said. "I'm on your side. A violent death is the last thing that'll happen to you."
...and it usually was...


Credulous: having views about the world, the universe and humanity's place in it that are shared only by very unsophisticated people and the most intelligent and advanced mathematicians and physicists.


The members of the Guild of Assassins considered themselves cultured men who enjoyed good music and food and literature. And they knew the value of human life. To a penny, in many cases.


"How do we usually test stuff?"
"Generally we ask for student volunteers," said the Dean.
"What happens if we don't get any?"
"We give it to them anyway."
"Isn't that a bit unethical?"
"Not if we don't tell them, Archchancellor."
The Ethics Committee of UU in session...


"Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time."
Bursar - 1, Hex - 0.


If you left off traditions because you didn't know why they started you'd be no better than a foreigner.


I AM LAST-MINUTE STUFF.


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